Surprised By Joy

Can't even begin to think you enough for this. Those times spent with you will always be my treasures. You were the Ur-datum of so many complex feelings. You lugged me squealing into being.

Bus Fare for the Beautiful

I've been falling (or rising), periodically, into a new state of euporia. It's kind of like something I've felt before, but more intense and longer-lived. I feel the bekoning finger of divine love. Friday night it was very intense. I was leaving work. Walking down the hall the immediacy of the moment took on an intense power and I was launched into euphoric happiness. The feeling that I had was warm and fluid. The world seemed to be made of the flesh of God. The buildings were alive. I walked outside into the sun light and everything I've read about "all is one", "God is everything" was so very real and immediate. It was the like a new glimpse of the world the way it really is. I was giddy with excitement. It was as intense as any trip I've ever been on. I looked at people and they all just seemed so beautiful... so clearly divine, so magic. As I walked down the street and I saw a woman kneeling down on the sidewalk searching for something in her backpack. There was such a surreal beauty there. I felt a wave of love overtake me entirely. Just then she looked up at me and my smile was ten feet wide. And she jumps up and runs up to me and says, "You can help me." And then she proceeds to give me a long story about having a car towed, and needing 12 dollars to get a bus ticket to Fort Collins.

So I gave it to her. She called me an angel. She said I saved her. And it felt good. But then I started feeling like I had been taken advantage of and all of these petty, selfish thoughts brought me back to my old familiar peevish, unconscious state. But I'm not going to stay here. I have a date with God. We're going to dance!

The Seven Deadly Sins

Your Deadly Sins

• Lust: 100%
• Envy: 0%
• Gluttony: 0%
• Greed: 0%
• Pride: 0%
• Sloth: 0%
• Wrath: 0%
• Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%
  
  You'll die while in the throws of passion - the best way to go
  

How Sinful Are You?

I guess I know what I need to work on!

Bang!

i can't tell you who it was... maybe it was her, maybe it was the scotch (older than my children). it could have been the herbs, the incense, the candles or the tobacco. it could have been the kind bud and it could have been the myriad errands of those little piggies. but really a concert is always a concert and it was a concert and each instrument plucked, strummed and tongued my mind. the water was (and still is) far more lovely than i'd ever realized. it glowed... like it was some pure energy all full of life. full of life and a form of life. and when i drank it i felt the effort it made to animate me, to make me conscious. each gulp was another spell book incantation that turns dust into awareness. then the dust went supernova. heat and death. stirred and shaken. all lovely. all delightful. the stars were never so beautiful.

mission accomplished! i work for angels now....

peace and love!

One Wish

What would you wish for? If you could wish for anything. Anything at all. A little while ago I was trying to imagine what it would be. I figured it would be something for Nick Or Melissa. But I really don't know. I do know what I would wish for. I loved somebody deeply. And loving her so deeply ended up hurting us both. I would wish that I had never hurt her. More than anything. Unless it would mean having never loved her.

What is more important? Is the love more important. I just didn't quite know what to do with the love. I caused pain. But the love did change us both. Love is still what counts.

From the first time I met her we had something in common. It was the way we first looked at each other. There was a feeling that surrounded that first glance into her eyes. We both knew it was there. It was all spelled out there, the first time I touched her hand, the first time I looked into her eyes. And it was very simple: I wanted to love her and she wanted me to love her. Never in my life have eyes reached out to me like hers did.

Its taken me a long time to find out who I am in this business. Its taken me a long time because I did not want to find what I had to find.

My sword still smokes with bloody execution and my hands all the seas incarnadine.

The time has come to let go of that. And Gillian helped me to understand that. Thank you Gillian. I, too, am a beautiful, wonderful child. And I have done nothing wrong.

Scooter Rides

I don't really know how to describe this event. I'll just spill it out and let you decide what to make of it.

I wanted to see her because I think she's beautiful. We had that long, long conversation where we talked all night and drank several bottles of wine. And when she broke up with her lover I still wanted both her and her lover in my life. Keeping her lover in my life was easy. But I didn't want to lose her.

She was so excited. She was grateful for my phone call, because she thought that we wouldn't call her or talk to her again because of the break up... the division of the friends routine. So she and I decided to meet up and we decided to meet at C's house just because that was easiest. She is living there now and that way she wouldn't have to drive anywhere. So I bought several bottles of wine and showed up. She had also bought several bottles of wine. And T decided to join us in the conversation.

The three of us sat around and talked up a storm: love and hate, anger and jealousy, forgiveness and love, crime and punishment. It was really a great conversation. Of course the conversation focused on the breakup and the aftermath of the breakup. There were so many issues to talk about. And one of the great books that I kept bringing up was The Four Agreements which she had introduced me to. I felt like we were really doing some good work.

Then T brings out a bong and some very kind bud. And so I took the monster, gigantic bong hit of that kind bud. And that just launched me into the stratsphere. I was flying. I was hallucinating. It was like I was on mushrooms (but not that kind of high, it was very much the muddle headed high of mary jane). But totally hammered I was. The wine and bud sent me to the outer reaches. I felt so good. We cranked up some dance music and started dancing. It was an awesome feeling of being connected. I felt so in love with both of them.

We tired out. We drank some cold water. We sat down and started talking, albeit much less coherently.

And then T starts talking about going for a scooter ride. And laughing. And she is saying it in an exagerrated sexual voice. And then she joins in. T is saying, "I think we need to take him for a scooter ride." And they started moving in. It was then that I realized, almost like being in some kind of wierd movie, that I was the scooter. Ha ha. Can you believe that? I was so not up for anything like that. They just caught me in the wrong mood. Too bad, eh? So I had to fight them off a little bit. That was certainly not what I had expected that evening.

So I end up crashing at their house. I was way to loaded to drive anywhere. She came to me and we hugged for a while on the couch where I was sleeping. Then she went to bed. I fell asleep.